Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
