what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
