I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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