did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
Randomize
