honey bunches of taint.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
