We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
