ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
