I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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