A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Randomize
