im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
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