Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
