Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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