Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
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