Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
