There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
