the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Randomize
