I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
they need to just BURY HIM!
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
