Don't make out with my wife yet
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
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