he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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