Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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