So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
