party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
