I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
