**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
