I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
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