Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
