Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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