the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
