Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
