Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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