I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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