I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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