Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Randomize
