We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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