oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I need to stop coming to work sober
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
