Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize