I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
