you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
