Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize