you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Randomize
