and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Randomize
