Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Randomize
