dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Randomize
