Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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