Whats the glycemic index on semen?
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
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