make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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