dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize