The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
