got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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