please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
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