forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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