someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
