false alarm. still invincible.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
