DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
