I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
