Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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